Blind Vs. Deaf

Some things just do not mix, water and oil, cats and dogs, and the list goes on…but I have a brand new example for this list.

A deaf taxi driver with a blind passenger.

The other day, in the midst of heavy rains and potential flooding, I entered a taxi heading to the church building for an evening meeting. The driver agreed to take me where I wanted to go, and that was the end of our ability to communicate.

I knew something was wrong when I tried to give clear directions as to the way I wanted to travel. He started responding to my Thai with English, broken English. Uh oh…I thought. Something was not right. My first thought was that my driver came from another country and couldn’t understand English or Thai. I just hoped that I would still get to the place I wanted. My hope began to wane when I felt the car taking unexpected turns. Uggg, now what?…I cannot confirm where I am, much less where I am going…

What could I do? If he didn’t understand me, how could he understand my Thai friends any better?

With the pouring rain beating down on the car, I had no inclination to get out and attempt to grab another taxi. When it rains, the taxis fill up fast, leaving me with a slim to slimmest chance of getting another taxi. In addition to this, I had been suffering all day the foul affects of eating something wrong the night before. All I could stomach eating was 2 pieces of toast, for the entire day. I felt weak and trapped in a taxi with a driver I could not communicate with. He kept telling me to write the road and street number down, and I kept trying to tell him that I cannot write…that is I cannot see to write what you want me to write.

At that point, I called one of my Thai friends at the meeting to let them know I was coming but slowly with the rain, traffic and a confused driver. I tried to get him to talk with my friend, but he handed me his phone instead. My friend called back, and this time the driver answered on the speaker phone. I hid the shock on my face as well as I could when I heard him speaking Thai to my friend. He didn’t listen for a response but just kept blasting out what he wanted from my friend along with his difficulty of having a blind foreigner in his taxi. He wanted my friend to send him an SMS with what I wanted. Click, the light bulb went on in my head as I realized he couldn’t hear anything, no matter how loud and clear I spoke. Well, I think he could hear a little, little itsy bit, but he didn’t expect for me to speak in Thai, so he didn’t try to listen to me.

Now he knew where to go, but the rain and confusion sent him a long way around to my destination made for an expensive taxi ride, but a hilarious story I will never forget.

What do you do when something ordinary seems to be going completely wrong?

 

My Mom

As I process grief, I wanted to share some thoughts that I had regarding my mom who passed away recently. A stroke destroyed much of her brain giving her little chance for survival 2 weeks ago Tuesday. From that point to now, my life has felt like a blur and as though I was stuck in time all at once. My thoughts have swirled as I have had tough times eating, sleeping and even thinking…

My mom meeting my daughter

I want the next few posts to share some ideas of hope, celebration and honor to the legacy my mom left to me. Let me start with retelling some of what I briefly shared at the memorial service this week.

I remember when my parents came to visit me at Bible College my freshmen year. After introducing my parents, one of my professors replied that my life was a great commentary on their parenting. I thought wow, but how much can he know me as it was only my freshman year.

In that I see how every life has a story to tell, and every story gets told through the lives of those around that person.

For me one life motto that sticks in my heart from my mom is, “get back on the horse”. My mom exemplified this characteristic and showed me how to literally get back up on the horse after getting thrown off of her horse when I was a young teenager. She also demonstrated for me the ability to get up after life knocks you down. My mom had more than her fair share of life knocking her down. We often don’t understand the Biblical idea of suffering and view it as punishment. My mom suffered and kept going throughout her entire life.

I came into the picture smack dab in the middle of much suffering as I was the fifth child of seven. My older sister died as an infant with a heart defect while my other older sister, Angela, came down with severe brain damage as an infant and lived to be six. She couldn’t do anything on her own, so when I was born my parents rejoiced over everything I did. They imprinted on me how amazing every move I made was. It didn’t matter what…even if I peed on the ceiling as a baby during diaper changing; my mom thought it was the most wonderful thing in the world. I was a great baby in their eyes.

I learned to love life, and at the age of two, as the story goes, I would wake up in the little camper as we I joined my parents on a retreat. I woke up early in the morning (I guess I used to do that back in those days). I would wake up with a big dose of optimism for the day, open the curtains near my bed, look outside to the world before me and enthusiastically say, “Hello, world!”

I loved life and saw my mom bounce back from devastation after devastation over her lifetime. Things seemingly rarely went according to plan, but she always kept pressing forward in her faith and in her life.

So when I was a teenager and began losing my sight, I already learned that obstacles get overcome. Life’s problems don’t keep us down, but we get up and keep riding that horse. My brother who went through similar trials in losing his sight gave me a practical example for this obstacle, but my mom imprinted on my life the attitude to overcome anything.

My mom was an incredibly Godly woman who will be greatly missed.

 

Why do you have that stick?

For me, I give off first impressions in a variety of ways.

People don’t often know what to do with me as I carry a white cane but have normal looking eyes. My eyes track with people as I follow the sound of their voice. My blindness comes from Leber’s Optic Neuropathy, a degenerative disease that affects the optic nerve. My eyes pick the picture find but cannot send the picture to my brain. It is like a TV with a bad chord connecting the cable.

When people meet me, they often don’t put together that I am blind as we talk together. I usually know how to read situations and initiate shaking hands which gives the perception that I am sighted. Most of the time, I don’t hear the odd thoughts that people have as they realize that I don’t see them.

Every now and then, I do get the joy of hearing someone blurt out what they are thinking.

One time while visiting a youth pastor friend, Steve Cecil, (now pastor of the Journey Community of Faith in Madison, Wisc.), I encountered one of my most memorable awkward moments as a blind person. At that time, a relative was also staying with him. Since I arrived late in the evening, I didn’t meet her until the next morning.

When we met, she said one of those things, you don’t easily forget, especially coming from an older person. I came upstairs from the basement where I spent the night and ran into her in the kitchen.

After I walked into the room, she said, what are you, Moses with that staff?

Stunned, I didn’t know what to say, so I smiled and explained what the stick was for. I have many more stories about what people think this cane might be, but this first impression always makes me smile as I remember it.

Wouldn’t it be incredible if God used my cane in the same way he used Moses’ staff?

 

Awkward Memorable Moments as a Blind Person

People rarely forget the blind guy with an upbeat attitude who often finds himself in awkward situations with his lack of tact.

Anyone who has spent time with me for a while can attest to how I find myself in a variety of funny situations. I am the opposite of shy and often put my foot in my mouth or at the least am willing to try something new for the first time, all with an indomitable smile. I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that people easily remember me even if they only met me once.  I am reminded of the way I stick in people’s memory when we were talking with our childbirth instructor. We found her online and introduced ourselves after a beginning email. When she saw that we were missionaries and that I was blind, she immediately knew who I was. She said she would never forget the hilarious story from the time she met us.

We were both at the US embassy in Bangkok for passport issues. She was renewing her 5-year-old daughter’s passport while we were getting extra pages in our books. We struck up a cordial conversation as I often do with strangers around me. Her daughter stuck out in our mind as a precocious, bubbly little girl. We walked away remembering them, but totally forgetting the story they remembered us for as things like this happen to me all the time.

Apparently, I struck up a second conversation with an Asian-American (note that I had no idea of his ethnic background) guy sitting next to me. He turned out to be much more forgettable to me since he was not nearly as cordial as the woman and her daughter were. Right off the bat I asked the man sitting next to me where he was from. I thought unwittingly that would be an innocuous question to ask. Don’t we always like to know where people are from to see if we have anything in common…or have seen some of the same sites before? Well, this rare guy to exception to me wanting to know where he came from.

He burst into an intense diatribe. He couldn’t understand why I would be so insensitive to ask where he came from. He loudly (and now the whole room of waiting people have their gaze locked in on us) asked why do I assume that just because he looks different than me I assume he is not from America. Mind you, we are sitting in the US Embassy on the US citizen side of the complex. Everyone in that room is from the US. But to him, he thought I could not except that he is an American and wanted to know where he came from before that. I sat there calmly as he blew up at me in front of a room of people no longer bored as they waited to be helped. He continued to delineate that he is eligible to vote. He made it known that he too was born in the US.

In the middle of his tirade, I responded matter-a-factly, oh, I am blind…I just meant which state are you from. At that moment the air in the room was sucked out as everyone breathed in wondering what he would say next, but what could he say? He just said sorry and stopped talking with me. I resisted the urge to ask who was going to vote for or what he thought about the immigration issue. Everyone else breathed a sigh of relief. Our new friend thought that was the best way to diffuse a crazy situation.

I guess I have these kinds of things happen to me a lot, so I try to take it in stride and avoid making it personal like that guy did. I know we don’t like being codified by some external issue like the color of our skin or the obvious disability of blindness, but we can’t let what others think affect how we respond to them. I know my situation is nothing like the racial prejudices that others have faced over the years, so I don’t mean to make them synonymous in their context, but similar in how we relate to others who create a difficult moment.

I remember another similar but shorter story. I was at a Seattle Mariners game with one of my good friends Jon when a drunken woman in front of us turned around after more than a few drinks and wondered why I was listening to the radio. She started to go off on me thinking I was bored by the game and why wouldn’t I enjoy being in the moment where I was. Before I could muster a funny response, my friend said, he is listening to the headphones, because he is blind. He is listening to the play-by-play. That made her feel awkward, but she turned around and stopped complaining at me. As long as I am nice about it, people usually feel worse at the end for jumping to the wrong conclusion…

I guess these stories have happened to me a handful of times, and I more easily forget them. But those around me think they are memorable and hilarious.

 

Too Shy To Talk

That is the explanation given many times to me as to why Thai people are afraid to talk with foreigners.

Recently, I was at Kasetsart University for the English Outreach we do every week. I’ve found a new way to create conversations with students since 99 percent of Thai people will not approach me in the same way as students in the US did with my sign, ‘Ask the Blind Pastor Anything about God.’ My new approach is to look like I need help finding my place once I get to the campus. Thai people are shy, but they are super kind which motivates them past their shyness to offer a helpful hand. If I don’t wander around aimlessly conveying the point I need help, 99-of-100 students will be too shy to speak with me even if they want an opportunity to practice their English with a foreigner. I often ask why they are so shy, but rarely get a good answer. I just find new ways to get them past their shyness with my special situation.

Once again my strategy (I use this word tongue in cheek) worked with smashing success. Thai people don’t like being approached by me offering English help as they think I am selling something or have an ulterior motive, but when they come to me, they are willing to talk more. A group of students came to see if I needed help and began a great one-hour conversation and new friendship.

See, friendship is what opens the door to sharing the story of God. Thais may have tons of questions, but most are too shy to talk about those questions. Second, until they trust someone they will not listen to they share the story of God.

Now back to the beginning fear that Thai people have of talking with foreigners. Many Thai people want to speak English as the global language of business will help them in a multitude of ways. However, Thailand is a face culture, in simple terms face is the honor or losing face is the shame that one receives from their actions or behaviors. People work to not lose face by not doing something embarrassing or shameful.

One of the students explained to me that they are usually afraid of talking with foreigners because they don’t want to make any mistakes in speaking English and lose face. They explained further that they might lose face with the foreigner as well as with their friends who overhear them.

The girl who came to talk with me that day said she is not afraid because she doesn’t have any face to lose among her friends. She is one of the rare Thai people who is bold enough not to worry about what others think, thereby losing face enough times to now be willing to step out boldly and talk with me.

 

Calling and Fulfillment Part 2

I wanted to revisit the idea of calling and fulfillment. Why does God call us so much earlier than when we begin to live out the calling in our life? It seems to lead to a lot of frustration from the gotta-have-it-now generation. I get the feeling through my own experiences and through conversations with numbers of young leaders that if we don’t see accomplishment early on, we are missing or unfulfilling God’s calling in our life. Remember how many years between Paul’s calling and Paul’s sending took place.

Let me postulate that God calls us early in our life to give us direction. He starts to point the arrow of our life down the path he wants us to take. He knows that we a full life time to accomplish all he has planned for our life. God understands the 50-60 years ahead of a teenager when he calls them into ministry. In the calling, God just is beginning the process and development toward ministry and mission.

In my life, God called me out for ministry when I was a teenager, around 17 years old. In my heart, I always knew ministry was likely to happen in my life. I always resonated with things that talked about ministry. Even when I was in 5^th and 6^th grade studying Catechism at the private Lutheran school I attended, I argued with the pastor over doctrines and philosophy of ministry like baptism, women in ministry and the role of the clergy. Going into the middle school years, my parents asked me if I still wanted to attend a private school or move to the public school. I jumped at the idea of a public school, so that I could be a light in the world. In a Christian school, everyone gets to hear about Jesus, but not so in the public schools. But I didn’t receive clarity to my calling until the summer before my senior year, a few years before losing my eyesight.

I pursued ministry opportunities, but I lived out a Thai proverb which literally says, “standing on the edge of two boats.” I tried to do ministry at the same time as follow my passion for sports. I wanted to be a sports writer or broadcaster like the guys on the Score in Chicago. I stood on the edge of two boats as I pursued a career in sports journalism and a role in ministry. I wrote for the sports section at the Northwest Herald , the local paper while working with the youth ministry at my local church. I didn’t go anywhere quickly, since I didn’t dedicate my life to one direction.

However, all of my juggling of dreams and goals came to a halt when I lost my eyesight at the age of 20. God catapulted me into maturity as I decided to take one path and that to ministry and fulfilling the calling on my life. As I lost physical sight, I gained focus for my life. I started moving in the direction of full-time ministry with one little stop on the way. I was the blind-intern for the Kevin Matthews Show, my favorite wacky radio show in Chicago. During that time, God sent a divine contact into my path. I asked what I needed to do to pursue radio and ministry. This veteran of Christian rock radio asked me what was my calling. I said, to be a pastor. He told me to be a pastor first, and after that I could pursue radio. I took that conversation to heart and jumped in with both feet in my pursuit toward ministry.

I still wanted to avoid Bible College as I didn’t want to move away and not come back to a place I loved and wanted to impact. I wanted to be discipled in the local church. My pastor, Ted Olbrich thought it better that I go to Bible College. I still count him as one of the most significant people in pushing me toward where I am today. He told me I would limit my future potential if I didn’t go to Bible College. Other pastors like to see the discipline of finishing something before recruiting you to work with them. As I look back, I see this advice as from God as my pastor hired people without Bible College training and in fact didn’t attend a Bible College or seminary himself. He directly gave me the advice I needed at that time to move forward. Now I get to intersect him occasionally as he leads a dynamic mission effort in Cambodia. I think of him as my neighbor while I live in Bangkok.

At 33 years-old, I see my life progressing more and more toward the calling God placed on me. As I look back, the calling became clearer through the perspective of wisdom and experience. I see the years between calling and action as character shaping through training (both Bible College and other). God tested me in a variety of ways with some passing and others retesting. I grew in experience with the more opportunities to lead ministry beginning with leading a Jr. High ministry while at Bible College.

God worked on me in relational skills and leadership skills thorough the different ministry opportunities I had. Timing is everything, and now I look forward to seeing some of the big dreams put in my heart by God come to fruition as we begin a church plant in Bangkok.

 

Traversing Bangkok without Sight

As my language skills get better, I am willing to venture out and go to new places by asking for help along the journey. In the past, if I was going farther than I could walk by myself, I would hop in a taxi and depend on an honest driver to get me to where I wanted to go. This method of transportation is good, but limiting. Now I have enough language skills to be able to communicate clearly where I’m going, how I’m going to get there, and how the person I’m talking to can help me.

This last week, I went to the university where we are beginning new outreach. I have a Thai guy going with me every week to meet students and begin an English club, or English corner. However, this week, he could not join me. I decided to go alone. I took one of the van’s that go around Bangkok like mini buses. I asked a random person at the bus stop to help me get on the right van and where I wanted to get off. He waved the van over to us. When the van dropped me off at the university, I asked another person how to get to the building where I would meet the students. This person got me on one of the motorcycle taxi’s which took me directly to my spot.

My goal for the day was just to know if I could go alone and return on my own. Anything beyond that would be icing on the cake. If I didn’t connect with the students, so be it. Without having someone who could see the students and initiate contact, I didn’t know what to expect. I just wanted to be able to say I can go and am able to be there every week as long as it depends on me.

To my amazement a few of the students we had begun relationship with came and talked with me. I found that they want to be in international relations for Thailand, so they are motivated to improve their already decent English skills. These students also helped me catch the van back to Ramkhamhaeng.

The freedom to be able to do things on my own will help me have the ability to lead more new things in Thailand. I can take more initiation now…

 

White Canes and the Blind in Thailand

Wow…I knew that blind people in Thailand have a difficult time, but this story from The Nation describes how many visually impaired people struggle to make it through life. The worldview in Thailand has shaped the thinking to say that if something bad happens to someone it is deserved. It is your bad karma that brings the hardship to you. This means that the blind and other disabled people are often pushed off to the side and marginalized in society.

In recent years, the queen of Thailand has created a campaign to help the blind which has brought more opportunities. The Thai government is now aiming to give the blind and visually impaired more skills and ways to enter society. The first step will be to pass out white canes and train people how to navigate around by themselves.

When I walk around Thailand, few people know what my white cane means. For instance, when I go to the airport, the workers get confused as to why I have a weapon in my hand, or a golf club or something unusual. They almost always want me to check it under the plane when I check in as they don’t recognize it as a necessary item for me. Maybe now, my stick will be more recognizable…

 

Losing My Sight Part 3

This is the third post in a mini-series about going blind as an adult. Read the first and second posts if you missed them earlier this week.

As I struggled through my situation, I wondered what my future held. I knew God had a calling on my life for ministry. I knew this clearly from multiple times at camp and during different services as a teenager. One day, while visiting a friend and the youth group he led, God spoke to me. During the worship service, I began asking God what would happen with my future now. I knew his plan for my life wouldn’t be hindered by the loss of my eyesight, so I said, either you are going to heal me, or you will have to use me in spite of my blindness.

I didn’t know what God was going to do at that moment, but I knew that God wasn’t done with me yet. God hasn’t healed me yet, even though I’m still praying and contending for that. God has, on the other hand, used me to minister. I know he has used me to draw people toward him all around the world. I still can’t drive a car or catch a baseball. There are limitations on what I can do, but there are no limitations on what God can do through me. I am still coming to terms with my identity as a blind person, but as long as God stays with me I know my identity is wrapped up with Him.

 

Losing My Sight Part 2

Earlier this week, I wrote about losing my eyesight. I want to continue that mini-series in this post. In losing my eyesight, I felt like I was losing my identity. I wouldn’t have admitted that in the midst of going blind. I put on a brave face thinking I could still do anything I wanted.

When the loss of my freedom and ability to do what I wanted when I wanted sank in, I was angry. I wasn’t angry at God but angry at what happened to me. One day, the frustration boiled over, and I punched a hole in the door to our basement. For some reason, that cheap door never got replaced. To this day, I am reminded when I visit my parents of a moment of extreme rage that took me and my family by surprise as I tried to wrestle with the new life I had. I walked out of that house, not knowing where I would go, or how I would get there. I started walking down our small country road, angry and frustrated. My dad gave me some time to cool down and then came and found me. He said that I could get through this. He offered to take me to visit some good Christian friends who lived about an hour away. I accepted and went and spent a couple days with them. They reminded me that I was not going through this alone but had friends to support and encourage me.

The hardest adjustment came to the core of my identity. My outgoing nature shrunk into oblivion. I retreated into myself not knowing how to act in social settings. The difficulty of walking into a room full of people that I knew, yet not knowing who was who or where anyone was located to initiate conversation crushed me.

All I know is that God came super close to me in the middle of my darkest moments. People asked me how I was dealing with this, and how my faith was affected. I told each person that asked that my faith has grown in the midst of terrible circumstances. God surrounded me and walked with me through all of this. He put good friends and family all around me.

He came close and comforted me. I rested in his arms of love. I knew intimately some of those Psalms that spoke of running to the rock that is higher than I.